


loved.

by hhoneycas



Series: Tumblr Fics [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Abusive John Winchester, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Fluffy Ending, Homophobia, M/M, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-25 08:10:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16657381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hhoneycas/pseuds/hhoneycas
Summary: dean's been crashing at cas' for awhile now, when he shows up tonight something's different.as per usual a garbage summary while my writing isn't bad!!





	loved.

cas’ phone lit up next to his bed. he looked up from his book and glanced over at it.

_ dean: can i come over? _

_ sure. _

it was that simple, no questions asked, just “sure”. cas knew dean needed to be away from his family for a little bit, and cas was there and willing to keep him company while he distracted himself. they never really talked about it, why dean had to crash at cas’ so often, and they never really had to. that was the kind of friendship they had, cas guessed, one where if cas ever needed the same, he could ask dean.

ten minutes later his phone lit up again.

_ dean: here. _

cas quietly went down the stairs to the main door in an effort to avoid waking up his family, despite them being almost as okay with dean’s visits as cas was.

when he opened the door dean stood there with just his sweatshirt on, no backpack on his shoulders. cas looked behind him and the impala wasnt even there. but his eyes were red and his face was wet.

“hey.”

cas just walked out onto his porch and hugged him, pulling dean close to him. dean clung to him, resting his face in the crook of cas’ neck, crying softly. they stood there for a long moment until dean took a long breath and pulled away.

they walked quietly into the house and up the stairs, and when they reached cas’ room he pulled out a pair of sweats and handed them to dean.

“thanks.”

he walked into cas’ bathroom and walked back out with dry eyes and he was smiling. it make cas happy.

“thank you, cas.”

“of course, dean.”

“no seriously,” dean stepped forward, hugging him again, “thank you.” he swallowed thickly. “i just need to calm down a minute.” he sat down on cas’ bed, running his fingers through his hair as he did so.

“it’s okay.”

there was a moment of silence before cas looked at the digital clock on his nightstand. 9:54

“would you like to order pizza and watch inception?”

dean looked up at him, his first genuine smile of the night appearing on his face.

“sure.”

they started the movie while they waited for their food, dean commenting on it the whole time.

“i mean i’ve seen it a thousand times but it still fucks me up, ya know?”

“yes, dean, i do know,” cas said, humoring his friend as they sat next to each other on cas’ bed. the one he got in freshman year because dean had said, “dude, there’s no room for the both of us on this damn thing, how the hell am i going to co-opt your tv to watch movies if i’m sitting on the floor.” they’d laughed, but about a week later, dean had knocked on cas’ door the first time and he’d slept in cas’ new full size bed.

now here he was again, and cas could only look over at him, worried out of his skull, but never daring to ask about what was happening at dean’s house or in dean’s mind.

the doorbell rang interrupting both the movie, and cas’ inner thoughts.

when they opened the box, dean moved his topic of commentating from the movie to cas’ choice of pizza.

“it’s gross man, like the worst combination of flavors.”

“it’s just pineapple, dean”

“still.”

they passed the remaining two hours of the movie that way, joking back and forth, until the film ended and dean turned off the tv, making some mumbling something about how he should probably sleep. he pulled off his sweatshirt, the high temperatures cas kept his room at getting to him. however, when he reached over to cas’ light, his shirt came up a bit, and a purpling bruise revealed itself wear dean’s kidney would be. now cas had to say something, right?

“dean.” cas reached out a tentative hand and rested it on the small of dean’s back, and pulled away the second his friend hissed in response. “im sorry”

“its fine.”

dean flicked off the light and turned away from cas, his breathing becoming a little shallower, and after thirty seconds of trying to hold it together, his shoulders started to shake a little, but enough.

“dean.”

“im fine, cas,” dean croaked.

cas propped himself up on an elbow put a gentle hand dean’s shoulder. he didn’t know what to do. he moved a little closer to dean, trying in some awkward way to convey that he really was there for him.

“it’s going to be okay, dean.”

that was the wrong thing to say. cas knew it when dean started to cry harder, real tears shining from the moonlight coming through the shades.

“i’m sorry, dean.”

“stop.”

“okay.”

cas squeezed his shoudler in what he hoped was a reassuring move, and turned away from him.

“why do you do this?”

“do what, dean?”

cas turned warily back towards dean.

“why are you nice to me?”

that was a weird question.

“because your my best friend.”

“then why are you friends with me?”

“because i want to be.”

at this, dean sat up and turned to look at castiel, really, really crying now.

“why? when there’s so much wrong with me?”

well, that wasn’t what he was expecting. there was nothing cas found wrong with dean, and he told him so.

“there’s nothing wrong with you.”

dean looked down at his hands, absentmindedly raking his blunt nails up and down his biceps. cas barely heard him whisper to himself, but it was enough for cas to grab both of dean’s hands in his own.

“i’m a fucking fag, cas.”

“dean, stop.”

cas brought dean into his arms, until they were both kneeling just clinging to each other. dean was crying, and cas was on the verge of tears because dean was crying.

“don’t let anyone tell you that’s a bad thing.”

“too late,” dean mumbled into his shoulder. another barely audible comment that spurred cas into action. he took dean’s face in his hands.

“who? who would say that to you?”

“who do you think?”

dean broke into another fit of sobs, almost collapsing into cas.

“i told him,” he paused, “i told him i was,” another pause, “i told him and i thought maybe he would be okay, and he just started yelling. asked me if i was gonna bring any other ‘bastard faggots’ into his house.”

there was another moment where both boys just sat there, holding each other, until cas pulled dean down until he was sitting criss-cross on the bed.

“i said maybe, and he told me if i did i would regret bringing that ‘sickness around him’ and i told him to go fuck himself. first time i ever swore at him. then he hit me.”

cas squeezed his hand.

“that wasn’t new. but it was the first time i was scared.”

that hit hard, hearing dean say he had grown accustomed to abuse like that.

“that was the first time i came over here.”

“oh, dean.”

“i’m not done,” dean said, he laughed a little. it was painful, both the laughter, and watching dean try to claim he was even close to okay. it hurt. “the next time was when he asked me where i went, then said he didn’t give a shit, that as long as ‘it’ was away from him, he didn’t care.”

dean moved to lay down then, and soon he and cas were facing each other, inches apart.

“i kept arguing with him, he kept hitting me, and i kept coming over here. that was it, for two years. for two years, every time he said something, called me ‘broken’ or told me that i was ‘worthless’ or that i ‘didn’t deserve love’ i started to believe him, and i think i still do.”

he paused.

“then in junior year,” dean started, but he couldn’t do it.

“you don’t have to tell me, dean.”

“yes i do.”

dean steeled himself, looking cas in the eyes for the first time in a while.

“in junior year, you came over. i didn’t even think about it, really. he was fine until you left. asked me if i was ‘your whore’ because ‘isn’t that what you gays do?’”

“you didn’t come over that night.”

“no.”

“dean, i’m so sorry.”

“don’t be, you didn’t know.”

cas caught dean’s eyes for a brief moment, and studied his face. his features were soft, like the kind of soft that was just so tired and weak, that they couldn’t help but be. he was still crying, and it pulled on cas’ heart to know he could’ve done something sooner.

dean took a deep breath.

“that happened for six months, him calling me all variations of the word ‘bitch’ and me just taking it like a...”

“don’t.”

dean nodded silently.

“pretty soon he noticed i was leaving every goddamn night and asked, like really asked where i was going. hit me ‘til i told him.”

cas hugged him tighter, until dean was talking to the empty side of the room.

“i said i was going to your place. he asked me again, who you, um, who you were to me, and asked if i was ‘fucking the only other fag in school’ and  man i thought i was a horrible, broken, piece of shit, but i wanted so badly to argue with him, so i said, ‘so what if i am?’”

cas didn’t know what, besides the overwhelming urge to make sure his friend never felt like this again, came over him, but he put a hand in dean’s hair.

“i’m so sorry, cas.”

“stop apologizing.”

dean took a breath.

“he broke my nose that night. and every night i argued or talked back.”

another pause.

“i’m never home anymore, but tonight i was. he asked me where the fuck i’d been, i said ‘out’, he said ‘with him?’ and he almost spit it at me, like you were some kind of sick thing. i didnt even see you after school but i said ‘yes’.”

instinctively, cas looked at dean and said, “it’s okay.”

“then,” there was a shaky breath, “then he asked me if i was in love with you. didn’t even hit me, just got real close and i was so scared. i was so, so, so scared, cas.”

dean was crying again. letting out heavy cathartic tears over cas’ shoulder.

“i thought was going to die and he just said ‘tell me’ all close to my ear and i said ‘yes.’“

cas could feel dean wanting to apologize. he could feel the guilt. it punched through his heart like a brick. he had to do something. he had to make sure dean knew that cas didn’t think he was broken, or awful, or that he was wrong for being in love with cas. he needed dean to know how okay he was with all of it.

“dean,” he took his face in his hands again, and dean looked down, crying softly, “would i ever hurt you?”

“no.”

“do you trust me?”

“with my life.”

“then look at me.”

dean looked at him.

“can i please kiss you?”

dean nodded. cas pulled him close, gently until their lips met, and he could feel dean just melt.

cas reached down to tug on the hem of dean’s shirt.

“may i?”

another nod, this time with a whispered, “yes.”

cas pulled the shirt over his head, revealing a map of bruises on dean’s chest, that he was certain spanned across his back as well. he felt dean trying to look anywhere but down at himself. he could feel the loathing pulsing off of him.

he leaned down and kissed dean’s jaw, traveling down ever so slowly.

“you are not broken.”

he stopped at dean’s sternum, turning them, so that dean laid on his back. he began tracing his fingers between the tender parts, whispering praise as he did so.

“you are not worthless.”

“you are not undeserving.”

“you are not sick.”

he took dean’s hand, and felt it nearly crush his own. he put a soft hand on dean’s arm, and looked at dean, who was craning his neck away, soft tears falling down onto the pillows.

“look at me.” it wasn’t a command. it was a slow coaxing, gentle in every form of the word.

dean did. cas pulled the hand away from his arm, and gestured to dean’s chest.

“none of this,” he kept his eyes locked on dean, “is your fault.”

when cas moved to start kissing dean’s face, he closed his eyes, breathing shaky, crying breaths.

“are you okay?”

another nod, and another whisper of that simple, “yes.”

cas continued.

“you are no one’s whore.”

his cheekbones.

“you are loved.”

his nose.

“you are beautiful.”

and finally once again, a soft kiss to dean’s lips.

that was it. they went no farther. dean curled into cas, shrinking and letting himself be held and comforted. dean fell asleep to the ever repeating reminder cas whispered in his ear.

“You are loved, Dean Winchester.”

**Author's Note:**

> woah!! i never write angst!! gimme some feedback because i put my whole soul into this despite it being only 2k
> 
> comments, kudos, etc. etc. any love is good love and i love y'all :))


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